We hear “have an attitude of gratitude” a lot nowadays. Thinking about what we are grateful for is associated with a multitude of positive emotional and physical effects. I have some further thoughts about gratitude using my integrated approach. Why might gratitude be good for us?
In my opinion, we humans are meaning making beings. In order for us to act in a world so filled with ambiguous sensory and emotional information, our minds constantly organize our experience into packets of meaning. One very salient and well-worn meaning meme is comparison. From the time we are children, we learn to organize through comparison– that ball is bigger than this ball, that dog is younger than that other dog, etc. Soon these comparisons include us– that girl is older than me, that boy is taller than me, I have more toys than that kid. At some point the comparisons are not only factually meaningful, but emotionally meaningful and self-contextual as well: My thighs are bigger than that other woman’s thighs, he makes more money than me, I have a better house than she does, he has a better job than me, he is in better shape than me, my kids are doing so much better than theirs are. Even when we don’t articulate ourselves in the idiom of comparison, comparisons are often implicit in our thoughts about people and situations: Her child is out of control! (My child is much better behaved than hers). She looks really great for her age (Why don’t I look that good? Maybe I should get botox!). What a great house they have (Their house is so much nicer than ours). Following from all this meaning making comes a set of assumptions we make about ourselves based on our comparisons. “Look at her great career” becomes equated with “What did I do wrong? I’m a failure! I’ll never amount to anything”. Even comparisons where we appear in a positive light don’t seem to serve a developmental purpose: “Wow, look at that poor guy begging for money” can lead to feelings of contempt, guilt and unworthiness, as well as a sense of foreboding. When we rely so much on comparison to feel good about ourselves, we live in fear of losing it and without a deep sense of our own worth separate from our comparisons. We fall apart and lose a good sense of ourselves when we are stung by what Shakespeare terms the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”. The comparison trap that many of us live in is not healthy and satisfying since placing ourselves in a hierarchy, no matter how high in we are in it, can never lead to long-term feelings of self-confidence and happiness. We are driven to move up the ladder or to desperately maintain our place toward the top, always terrified of falling. We don’t develop a sense of who we are and what our values are, separate from our comparisons to other people.
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Archives: Mindfulness
dark mood
anxiety
For many people, anxiety can be a continuous background rhythm to our everyday lives. Sometimes the drumbeat takes center stage and we are driven by these feelings and become dominated by an anxiety state of mind. We may begin to experience physical feelings (butterflies, sweating, GI symptoms) and/or anxious thoughts, feelings and perceptions that cause us to believe that we are on the verge of catastrophe and shape the way we see and influence our world. Our culture is filled with stress, so that even if you are not an “anxious person”, you are internally responding to stress and it can take a toll on your health and mental functioning. It is therefore very important to begin learning ways to manage stress and to treat anxiety. This is the beginning of a conversation about it.
On January 28, 2014, I was a guest on Jordyn Goodman’s “Empowered” LA talk radio show. The link to her page is, Empowered. We focused on how anxiety manifests itself in young woman in particular, and talked about how to understand, manage and treat it. Psychotherapy, hypnosis, meditation, and self-care are all discussed as ways of managing anxious feelings. Here is a clip from her show that features my discussion. (To hear the rest of her show, or to hear other interesting topics, please go to Empowered.)
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sunlight dreams
Dreaming in Images
I am fascinated by light in images, particularly in my photography. Lately I’ve been really aware of and compelled by lanterns. Most of these lanterns are in Thai restaurants. I love the framing of color-sheathed light against the darkness of the restaurant. I have also been very enchanted by sunlight and how it backlights flowers and plants. I love the translucence and subtle shadings that are created. Then I process the photos allowing my intuition and feelings take over. I find that photography encourages me to actually see what I’m looking at (as much as is possible in that moment), and not to immediately fit what is before me into a pre-designated category. That’s what dreams do as well, they take our experience out of automatically and unconsciously organized compartments and lay it out in an unusual and highlighted way that surprises and sometimes alarms us, but always stimulates us to think, feel, and imagine.
thankful
The Gratitude State of Mind: Confronting the “Comparison Trap”
We hear “have an attitude of gratitude” a lot nowadays. Thinking about what we are grateful for is associated with a multitude of positive emotional and physical effects. I have some further thoughts about gratitude using my integrated approach. Why might gratitude be good for us?
In my opinion, we humans are meaning making beings. In order for us to act in a world so filled with ambiguous sensory and emotional information, our minds constantly organize our experience into packets of meaning. One very salient and well-worn meaning meme is comparison. From the time we are children, we learn to organize through comparison– that ball is bigger than this ball, that dog is younger than that other dog, etc. Soon these comparisons include us– that girl is older than me, that boy is taller than me, I have more toys than that kid. At some point the comparisons are not only factually meaningful, but emotionally meaningful and self-contextual as well: My thighs are bigger than that other woman’s thighs, he makes more money than me, I have a better house than she does, he has a better job than me, he is in better shape than me, my kids are doing so much better than theirs are. Even when we don’t articulate ourselves in the idiom of comparison, comparisons are often implicit in our thoughts about people and situations: Her child is out of control! (My child is much better behaved than hers). She looks really great for her age (Why don’t I look that good? Maybe I should get botox!). What a great house they have (Their house is so much nicer than ours). Following from all this meaning making comes a set of assumptions we make about ourselves based on our comparisons. “Look at her great career” becomes equated with “What did I do wrong? I’m a failure! I’ll never amount to anything”. Even comparisons where we appear in a positive light don’t seem to serve a developmental purpose: “Wow, look at that poor guy begging for money” can lead to feelings of contempt, guilt and unworthiness, as well as a sense of foreboding. When we rely so much on comparison to feel good about ourselves, we live in fear of losing it and without a deep sense of our own worth separate from our comparisons. We fall apart and lose a good sense of ourselves when we are stung by what Shakespeare terms the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”. The comparison trap that many of us live in is not healthy and satisfying since placing ourselves in a hierarchy, no matter how high in we are in it, can never lead to long-term feelings of self-confidence and happiness. We are driven to move up the ladder or to desperately maintain our place toward the top, always terrified of falling. We don’t develop a sense of who we are and what our values are, separate from our comparisons to other people.
Continue reading