We hear “have an attitude of gratitude” a lot nowadays. Thinking about what we are grateful for is associated with a multitude of positive emotional and physical effects. I have some further thoughts about gratitude using my integrated approach. Why might gratitude be good for us?
In my opinion, we humans are meaning making beings. In order for us to act in a world so filled with ambiguous sensory and emotional information, our minds constantly organize our experience into packets of meaning. One very salient and well-worn meaning meme is comparison. From the time we are children, we learn to organize through comparison– that ball is bigger than this ball, that dog is younger than that other dog, etc. Soon these comparisons include us– that girl is older than me, that boy is taller than me, I have more toys than that kid. At some point the comparisons are not only factually meaningful, but emotionally meaningful and self-contextual as well: My thighs are bigger than that other woman’s thighs, he makes more money than me, I have a better house than she does, he has a better job than me, he is in better shape than me, my kids are doing so much better than theirs are. Even when we don’t articulate ourselves in the idiom of comparison, comparisons are often implicit in our thoughts about people and situations: Her child is out of control! (My child is much better behaved than hers). She looks really great for her age (Why don’t I look that good? Maybe I should get botox!). What a great house they have (Their house is so much nicer than ours). Following from all this meaning making comes a set of assumptions we make about ourselves based on our comparisons. “Look at her great career” becomes equated with “What did I do wrong? I’m a failure! I’ll never amount to anything”. Even comparisons where we appear in a positive light don’t seem to serve a developmental purpose: “Wow, look at that poor guy begging for money” can lead to feelings of contempt, guilt and unworthiness, as well as a sense of foreboding. When we rely so much on comparison to feel good about ourselves, we live in fear of losing it and without a deep sense of our own worth separate from our comparisons. We fall apart and lose a good sense of ourselves when we are stung by what Shakespeare terms the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”. The comparison trap that many of us live in is not healthy and satisfying since placing ourselves in a hierarchy, no matter how high in we are in it, can never lead to long-term feelings of self-confidence and happiness. We are driven to move up the ladder or to desperately maintain our place toward the top, always terrified of falling. We don’t develop a sense of who we are and what our values are, separate from our comparisons to other people.
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Archives: Commentary
be yourself
Authentic Living, Part 2: True Selves Dancing
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken” Oscar Wilde
I love this quote from Oscar Wilde. It reminds me of how difficult it is for us to stay connected to who we are in the face of our strongest motivation– connecting with others. From our moment of birth (and even before, some research indicates) we orient toward others. An infant recognizes mother’s smells, the sounds of her voice and looks intensely and searchingly into her face. What are we searching for? Infants, and all humans, are searching for love, security and connection. According to John Bowlby, we are born to move toward and follow mother (whether with our feet or our eyes) to assure our survival. Our inborn attachment system allows us to be vigilant of mother’s whereabouts and to initiate seeking and contacting behavior designed to elicit attention, help and protection. Psychoanalytic theory develops even more deeply on the concept of attachment, theorizing that our greatest need is to love and to be loved, to become a self within the context of connection with others, and to develop, grow and have pleasure through encounters with otherness.
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thankful
The Gratitude State of Mind: Confronting the “Comparison Trap”
We hear “have an attitude of gratitude” a lot nowadays. Thinking about what we are grateful for is associated with a multitude of positive emotional and physical effects. I have some further thoughts about gratitude using my integrated approach. Why might gratitude be good for us?
In my opinion, we humans are meaning making beings. In order for us to act in a world so filled with ambiguous sensory and emotional information, our minds constantly organize our experience into packets of meaning. One very salient and well-worn meaning meme is comparison. From the time we are children, we learn to organize through comparison– that ball is bigger than this ball, that dog is younger than that other dog, etc. Soon these comparisons include us– that girl is older than me, that boy is taller than me, I have more toys than that kid. At some point the comparisons are not only factually meaningful, but emotionally meaningful and self-contextual as well: My thighs are bigger than that other woman’s thighs, he makes more money than me, I have a better house than she does, he has a better job than me, he is in better shape than me, my kids are doing so much better than theirs are. Even when we don’t articulate ourselves in the idiom of comparison, comparisons are often implicit in our thoughts about people and situations: Her child is out of control! (My child is much better behaved than hers). She looks really great for her age (Why don’t I look that good? Maybe I should get botox!). What a great house they have (Their house is so much nicer than ours). Following from all this meaning making comes a set of assumptions we make about ourselves based on our comparisons. “Look at her great career” becomes equated with “What did I do wrong? I’m a failure! I’ll never amount to anything”. Even comparisons where we appear in a positive light don’t seem to serve a developmental purpose: “Wow, look at that poor guy begging for money” can lead to feelings of contempt, guilt and unworthiness, as well as a sense of foreboding. When we rely so much on comparison to feel good about ourselves, we live in fear of losing it and without a deep sense of our own worth separate from our comparisons. We fall apart and lose a good sense of ourselves when we are stung by what Shakespeare terms the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”. The comparison trap that many of us live in is not healthy and satisfying since placing ourselves in a hierarchy, no matter how high in we are in it, can never lead to long-term feelings of self-confidence and happiness. We are driven to move up the ladder or to desperately maintain our place toward the top, always terrified of falling. We don’t develop a sense of who we are and what our values are, separate from our comparisons to other people.
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serenity
Watching the Parade: Mindful Non-Attachment
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
— Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks
(shared by http://www.drpayam.com/)
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