Authentic Living, Part 1

“It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.” (André Gide)

This statement feels painful and confusing to me.  I know deeply, though, how apt it is and how becoming your true self involves wearing these words everyday. Hopefully, to accept and live who we are doesn’t involve being hated very often, but it does involve facing our fears of being hated and abandoned.  We are born to be attached and connected to others.  Loving and being loved is what we live for. But this love often comes at a price.  As babies, attachment is what keeps us safe and cared for.  One of our greatest fears in life is being abandoned, particularly if we grow up in an environment where our individuality and difference is a source of dismay for our parents.  When parents, because of their own flaws and weaknesses, need us to be a particular way, or to fulfill their needs instead of attending to our own, then we grow ourselves around who they are, instead of who we are. In our fears of being ostracized, rejected or abandoned, we accommodate our own beings to others so unconsciously and so completely, that we become a series of experiences and behaviors rather than human beings connected to the deepest cores of ourselves.  A part of ourselves never gets to develop, and this loss contributes to a myriad of painful experiences, such as feelings of emptiness, loneliness, depression, anxiety, perfectionism, relationship difficulties, lack of success, addictions and self-destructive behavior.  I think that the question for life and for psychotherapy is: How do we fully become ourselves within the context of our relationships?